Last Sunday my husband and I spoke in church on the subject of charity. Speaking is always a little scary, and I'm relieved when it's over, but I also appreciate the opportunity to think deeply on a subject and put those thoughts into words. It's a growing experience that's good for me.
As I ruminated over my assignment during the week, the thought kept coming to speak from my heart on how the pure love of Christ has helped me in my roles as wife and mother. The remainder of this post is from that talk.
One of my favorite things about the years when we study the Book of Mormon in depth is a reminder that it begins with a family. A real, messy family that many of us can relate to. And even if we make it no further than 2 Nephi (which we do of course), we can learn in those two books how to love, pray, teach, sacrifice and forgive one another. We learn about faith, hope, grace and God's plan of happiness for our families.
In 1 Nephi 1:5, Nephi writes that his father "went forth and prayed unto the Lord, yea, even with all his heart; in behalf of his people." On the first page in my Book of Mormon, I have written in the margin, a reminder to myself to "pray with all my heart for my people". My people is my family.
One of the most important reasons we come to this earth is to learn the teachings of the gospel and practice living them. Heavenly Father could have set that up any way he wanted to, but he chose to send us to earth to live in families. We are following a celestial pattern of family life and it can be a sanctifying process, if our desire is to live as disciples of Christ. To be sanctified is to be made pure and holy. Family life is a seedbed for that kind of growth.
I remember when I was newly married and we were starting our family, how happily naive I was about what the future would look like. As a convert to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, I wanted to be the best Mormon wife and mother possible. And I wanted to be that way immediately! Reality has had a way of tempering my idealism and I've learned as Brother Lawrence (a spiritual mentor of mine) once said, "we cannot grow faster than grace allows. It is not possible to become spiritually mature all at once." Obviously, I am still working on it. It will take a lifetime and then some.
Nothing has brought me as much joy and pain as being a wife and mother. It was the doctrine of eternal families that was the tipping point in my conversion to the restored gospel and I have poured my life into raising up a family to the Lord, and trying to find joy in the process. I cling to the hope that lies in honoring my covenants, believing in the promises that have been made to families who remain faithful.
In Primary we've been learning with the children the scripture from the fifth chapter of Matthew, that President Monson quoted in our last General Conference, when he asked us each to be a light and an example.
"Ye are the light of the world. A city that is set on a hill
cannot be hid. Neither do men light a candle, and put it
under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light
unto all that are in the house. Let your light so shine before
men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your
Father which is in heaven."
Matthew 5:14-16
I let this scripture be a guide and reminder that I have a responsibility to shine forth God's love to everyone that enters my home, especially my own family.
You may be wondering what all of this has to do with charity, and I would answer, everything. Charity is the pure love of Christ, the highest, noblest, strongest kind of love, manifested day in and out by acts that are small and simple, yet eternal in consequence. By small and simple things are great things come to pass.
Do you ever wonder if what you do really matters? We can become mired down at times in the often mundane details required of daily life and forget that it all matters. A friend of mine posted this on Facebook yesterday, an encouragement to remain faithful in the process. In speaking of the miracle of Jesus feeding the five thousand she said, "What if the little boy's mother hadn't packed her son's lunch? Never underestimate the small things you do that seemingly go unnoticed. Those things, might in fact, just make a difference not only for today, but for generations yet to come! You have no idea how God will use your "behind the scenes" offerings. Remain faithful in the process."
Every day we have multiple opportunities within our family relationships to practice the pure love of Christ. These people with whom we spend our days know us best and love us most (and I would add, also know how to push all the buttons that make us a little crazy) and yet we often treat others with more kindness.
Following the example of Christ, we learn from his teachings in Moroni what charitable love looks like.
And charity suffereth long (it's patient) and is kind and
envieth not, (it's not jealous), is not puffed up (prideful),
seeketh not her own (selfish), is not easily provoked, thinketh
no evil (thinks only good thoughts) and rejoiceth in the truth,
beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things,
endureth all things. (It is able to handle the hard, seemingly
impossible things, because Christ is love and He is the answer
to all the hard things.)
We can only love our families this way if we have the gift of charity. The natural man and woman will fight against this kind of love. But we are promised that we can receive it, if we pray for it.
"Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all
energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath
bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ."
Moroni 7:48
The charity formula as I understand it is:
1- Pray for it.
2- Practice it.
3- Ask ourselves at the end of the day, "Have I loved well today? Have I loved as Christ would have loved?"
4- Repent when we mess up (as we surely will)
5- Start over the next day!
Family life is wonderful and it's hard. It takes unconditional love to look beyond the petty annoyances that come from living with other people. It takes charity to see through a lens that isn't your own, to understand personality differences and challenges that others face that seem huge to them, but wouldn't be a challenge for us at all. It takes charity to remove our own emotions from a situation long enough to see it from the perspective of another.
I was blessed on one occasion to have an amazing experience that I know without a doubt was a gift from the Lord. I was visiting with someone very close to me who was in a crisis situation and it wasn't the first time. This was something she had been dealing with repeatedly for years. I was angry and scared, frustrated and hurt. I was dealing with some big emotions of my own, which influenced the way I was interacting with her. At one point during our visit, it was as if I had taken off the glasses with which I was viewing this situation and they had been replaced with another pair. A pair that didn't block my ability to see her as she really was. My emotions were completely gone and all I could see was this beautiful person who was struggling with huge challenges, and I was gifted to understand how she was feeling in that moment. It was as the Lord was saying, " Melissa, look at her. This is how I see her and I love her completely." As I drove home from that visit, I questioned if what I think had happened, had really happened. It was a tender mercy that I will never forget. For a few moments, I understood what it meant to love unconditionally. I wish I could say this happens on a regular basis, but it doesn't. I have to work hard to remove my own biases and emotions from relationship struggles, but what I can say is that because of this experience, I know it can happen. It is possible to love unconditionally, to love as Christ loves. He has allowed me to experience charity and I pray to have that gift daily.
It takes charity to hang on during the hard times when it would be easier not to. If you don't think you've experienced the hard times, just wait a while. I don't think any of us get to skip the trials that refine. Families are faced with illnesses, financial problems, marriage difficulties, loss, rebellious and wayward family members, addictions, temptations from the world and many things that threaten to destroy us and rob us of peace. But we have hope in the atonement of Christ that can heal all the brokenness. All of it! He is the great physician and can heal all the family problems. We receive strength for the battles from Him. We learn to love each other as He loves. We hang on and trust in Him and His plan for our families. The gospel of Jesus Christ is the good news for our families.
As we follow the example of Christ, we learn that charity takes time. I see no indication in the scriptures that Jesus was ever in a hurry. He didn't rush frantically from one activity to another, as we are apt to do. He had time to be with people, to talk and teach, to minister and heal. He was all about focusing on the one thing or person in front of Him, who needed Him at that moment.
My phrase for this year is "take the time" and as I've been pondering charity, I've begun to realize how it can help me to slow down and be more like Jesus. How often I think to myself, that I don't have the time to do a certain thing. I say, "I'm busy right now." Wanting to love like Christ means constant examining of priorities. Taking the time, means listening well, looking at someone when they are talking with you, sending that text or making that call, writing the card, stopping what I'm doing to go look at something my husband wants me to see, putting down the phone, bending to eye level to talk with a child, offering hospitality, driving children to lessons, teaching them at home, visiting and home teaching, serving in your calling, saying a prayer for him as I watch him drive off to work each morning, serving in the temple and caring for an ailing spouse. This list could go on and on.
President Hinckley once said, "If a husband would think less of himself and more of his wife, we'd have happier homes throughout the Church. " I would turn that around and say the same is true for wives. My husband is more kind and gracious to me than I frequently deserve. I know that the times when I've been most unhappy in my marriage are the times when I've been most focused on myself and what I want and think I need. I've not been focused on being charitable. All those characteristics of Christlike love; patient, kind, selfless, humble, thinks only good thoughts... When I'm most unhappy in my marriage I can't claim that I'm trying to be any of those things. I'm turned inward and I'm self absorbed. It's happened often enough that at least I can recognize what's going on now, and make a course correction as soon as possible.
I'll close with these words from Paul. "And above all things have fervent charity among yourselves, for charity shall cover the multitude of sins." As families we need charity, because truthfully, we are just a bunch of sinful people who live together who are trying to become a little less so.
I pray that we will seek to be more charitable in our families, and in our homes. As we do this, we will be lights and examples in our schools, workplaces and in our neighborhoods. We are real people, with real challenges and we don't need to be afraid to let others know we struggle. Our example is not that we are perfect, but that we receive grace and mercy from the Lord as we trust in Him each day, and are blessed for living the gospel to the best of our ability. As we do this we glorify Him and our families are blessed.
