Mornings At Micahs

If anyone had told me ten years ago that I would have time to sit in the woods for an hour every morning to think and pray, and listen, I would have laughed at them.  Back then, mornings were full of waking kids, putting out breakfast and trying to get everyone to school before the tardy bell.  And even though at the time, you feel like it's always going to be this way, before you know it - it's all "different".  

I've not had the easiest time adjusting to the "different".  Being a full time mother and homemaker has been my life's vocation.  I've never taken for granted what a huge blessing that's been for our family.  My husband has worked hard and provided for our needs, while I've kept the home fires burning.  It's what we both wanted, even though in the early years, it was hard financially, really hard.  I think today it must be even harder for families to live on one income.  Somehow we made it through those years and I always felt fulfilled and happy in my calling.

When the house started emptying one by one and my children began lives of their own, I thought how much I would enjoy the empty nest.  I had been waiting a long time to have some time of my own!  But when that time came, I felt lost.  I felt lonely and  confused as to what I should be doing with myself.  Even though my adult kids still need mom from time to time, my job has moved from full time to temp work.  In actuality, I feel like I've moved into retirement.   The problem is, my husband is far from retired.  I'm ready to turn my time and energy towards my marriage, but he's still living life in that fast lane, spending long hours at work trying to resurrect a business in a tough economic climate.   It's not working out the way I had envisioned.  Not much has. 

 Learning to let go of dreams and accept the reality can be a hard thing to do, but I'm finding that it can be done and the sooner, the better.  The longer we wallow in the "what if's?" or "if I had only's?", the longer we prevent ourselves from finding joy and contentment in the "blessings of the moment".  And even though they might not be the blessings you had hoped for, if you let go and surrender your expectations, you find new blessings take their place.  These are the lessons that I'm learning in this new season of life.  And as I write this, it sounds so simple and easy, yet it's one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.  There are struggling days, when I feel like a hypocrite, me, with a blog named, "Count it All Joy".  Because quite frankly, there are days when I don't feel it.  I struggle to find the joy.  But I know it's there for the asking and I really, really want joy and peace in my life.  It's my quest and I know where to find the source.

I've been popping out of bed pretty early these days, as I've been listening and watching my little part of the world come to life. While it's still quite dark, the dogs and I head out to Micah's place.  It's my very own sacred grove and unbelievably beautiful.  I sit on my bench and listen to the birds sing and watch the sun slip up through the trees.  The beauty of that moment is more than I can put into words.  When the words finally do come (and I don't hurry the process), I pray.  I ask questions and plead for answers.  I think about the day ahead and how I might be a blessing.  I work through my "issues of the moment", with Him who knows me best.  I ask for strength for the challenges ahead, wisdom for relationships, and   restraint for my mouth.  Because as much as I want to speak words that encourage, build up and lift, it doesn't come easy for me. I can be hard on myself and those around me.  Words are so important and they can slip right out before I've weighed their importance. 

This quiet time is so peaceful, except for the moment when the dogs charge into the woods barking ferociously at something unseen to me.  I imagine and pray for it to be a squirrel or rabbit, maybe even a deer, but not a bear please!  That would really mess up my solitude.

These idyllic mornings, would only have been a dream a few years back.  A quick prayer, a few scriptures and a promise to find time for more later, was the norm back then.  But now... in this season...which I've been reluctant to embrace, I have more time for reflection and listening.... and learning.  That is a blessing.  My heart is beginning to open to the here and now and its possibilities.  I have time for exploring new talents, developing hobbies, like gardening and knitting, reading and blogging.  I can serve in new ways, in the church and community.  When I'm lonely for little ones in my home, I invite over some friends and we play.  I still ask those questions about what I'm supposed to be doing with my life, thinking surely there must be more than this.  Can't I go to a third world country and feed hungry babies, or something amazing like that?  But the answers that come in the still of the morning seem to say, I'm right where I'm supposed to be right now, doing what I'm supposed to be doing.   Learning patience and contentment are the lessons at present... and loving like Christ.  These things will take a life time.

I love my mornings, watching the sunrise.  And even though it is an early start to the day, I am usually awake before the alarm goes off, anxious to head out in the woods.  When my energy levels start running low, I can stop and take a little power nap.  A nap in the afternoon?  Another unheard of thought, a few years ago.

"To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven..." 

 Joy is possible when we stop fighting change and accept the given good from a loving Father in heaven who knows us better than we know ourselves!  Oh, the things we can learn, when we never stop learning.