Thanks for the Ride

Today is my thirty-fifth  wedding anniversary and my mind is swirling with thoughts on how that is even possible.  Thirty-five years is a really long time!  First of all, I'm grateful, so very grateful, that I'm still walking through life with this good man.  As a bride at twenty (barely twenty!), I fully expected to stay married forever.  But, I had no idea what that would look like or how hard it would turn out to be.  Having said that, don't think I don't love my husband, because I totally do.  I just didn't know how much work was involved in marriage .  Things change.  People change.  And if you aren't careful, distractions can pull a couple apart at the seams.

This morning I read these verses and immediately applied them to my marriage.  The words in black are my own thoughts.  The rest belong to Nephi.

"...ye have not come thus far (in your marriage) save it were

 by the word of Christ with unshaken faith in him

 (daily discipleship), relying wholly upon the merits

 of him who is mighty to save. ( His grace)

  Wherefore, ye must press forward (even when it's hard) with

 a steadfastness in Christ (trust in His power to work in your marriage),

 having a perfect brightness of hope (don't give up, don't walk away),

 and a love of God and of all men (love like Christ loves-charity). 

 Wherefore if you shall press forward, feasting upon the word 

of Christ, and endure (remain faithful) to the end, behold, 

thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life (with your family)."

2 Nephi 31:19-20

I don't know how this all works, but I believe that it does.  I believe that marriage is intended to be a part of the plan that teaches us to be like our Savior.  It can be a sanctifying process, filled with joy and pain. 

We started our life together, like most young couples, with high hopes and dreams and no money, but a belief that things were going to work out just fine.  Oh, the naiveté of youth, and thank goodness for it!  Through the years we've moved around the country, started a business, brought five children into the world, cried at the graveside of one, struggled with illness and addictions, weathered economic downturns, said goodbye to loved ones as they crossed over the veil and served countless hours in our church.  But we've also knelt across an altar and made covenants with one another, held newborn babies, built a home and made happy memories there, watched our children grow into adults, welcomed a new daughter and grandbaby.  We've supported one another the best we could, even held each other up when necessary.  And through all of it, I've known that I could count on Mark and he knows he could count on me.  This is what love looks like when it's given years to mature.  It may not be all starry eyed looks, fluttering hearts and romantic dates of the early days (although that's really nice), it's more a deep, abiding love and appreciation for someone who knows you better than anyone else and still chooses you, with all your quirks and weaknesses.  This love has walked through the highest highs and the lowest lows and though tattered and a bit beaten up, is still intact. 

This is what I've learned about longevity in marriage and if you were to ask me (which I know you're not, but let me tell you anyway), I would say these things have helped us:

* Pray specifically for your marriage every day.  Lately, I've been   doing this when I make the bed in the morning.

*Pray together as husband and wife.  We rarely go our separate ways in the morning without holding hands and having a prayer.  It would be great if we would do this at night as well, but we struggle with it.

*Focus more on your spouse than on yourself.   Self care is important. But being self absorbed is a different matter all together. The times when I've been most unhappy in my marriage are the times I've been focused on myself and what I think I need and want to make me happy.

*Carve out alone time.  We constantly work on this and need to do better.  When you've been married a long time, it's easy to get into patterns of complacency.  This weekend was a reminder to us both that it's good to let things go sometimes and just be together.

* Guard your marriage with strict boundaries.  It's important that you both agree on what is acceptable and unacceptable in friendships outside of marriage.  If it makes your spouse uncomfortable, then respect those feelings and make changes. 

(This picture tells the whole story of how Mark felt about our beekeeping adventure!  He was supportive though.)

*Worship together.  Renewing covenants in weekly Sacrament meeting and in the temple helps you recommit to one another on a regular basis and gives you power to resist temptation.

* Keep your eye on the big picture.  Don't sweat the small stuff.

Which is a nice way of saying, be patient with one another.  The stuff that seems so important usually isn't.  Relationships matter most.

I've loved President Hinckley's counsel on marriage and have turned to it often when I need a reminder of the importance of the covenant I have made.  Here are a few of my favorites:

" True love is not so much a matter of romance as it is

a matter of anxious concern for the well-being of one's companion."

"Generally speaking, the most miserable people I know

are those who are obsessed with themselves; the 

happiest people I know are those who lose themselves

in the service of others... By and large, I have come

to see that if we complain about life, it is because we

are thinking only of ourselves."

"You have not failed until you quit trying."

"In all of living, have much fun and laughter.

  Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured."

"The willingness to forgive is a sign of spiritual

and emotional maturity.  It is one of the great virtues

to which we all should aspire.  Imagine a world filled

with individuals willing both to apologize and to accept

an apology.  Is there any problem that could not be solved

among people who possessed the humility and largeness

of spirit and soul to do either - or both- when needed?"

"Get on you knees and pray, then get on your feet and work."

"There are four pillars to a happy marriage: respect one

another as individuals; give soft answers; practice

financial honesty; conduct family prayer."

"It is not so much the major events as the small

day-to-day decisions that map the course of our

living...  Our lives are, in reality, the sum total of our

seemingly unimportant decisions and our capacity

to live by those decisions."

"Faith is something greater than ourselves enabling

us to do what we have said we'll do, to press forward

when we are tired or hurt or afraid, to keep going when

the challenge seems overwhelming and the course

is entirely uncertain."

"The remedy for most marital stress is not divorce.  It

is in repentance and forgiveness, in sincere expressions

of charity and service.  It is not in separation.  It is in

simple integrity that leads a man and a woman to square

up their shoulders and meet their obligations.  It is found in

the Golden Rule, a time honored principle that should first

and foremost find expression in marriage."

And my all time favorite by Jenkin Lloyd Jones, as quoted by President Hinckley :

"Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going 

to waste a lot of time running around shouting that

he has been robbed. The fact is that most putts don't drop, 

most beef is tough, most children grow up to be just like

people, most successful marriages require a high degree

of mutual toleration, and most jobs are more often

dull than otherwise.  Life is just like an old time rail

journey... delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders

and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful

vistas and thrilling bursts of speed.  The trick is to

thank the Lord for letting you have the ride."

I am thanking the Lord today for the ride.  I recognize that it is by His grace that we have made it this far.  It's not been me or Mark.  We're not strong enough on our own to pull off this kind of a blessing.  

I am thanking my husband for taking the ride with me and I am praying that we'll have many more years to enjoy each other and our life together.

Happy Anniversary, dear.

March, Date Nights and Preparing for Easter- A Daybook Entry

Outside my window... It's rainy, windy and forty-four degrees.  Yesterday, it was sunny and twenty degrees warmer.  This is why March is not my favorite month. If it weren't for daffodils and forsythia, I would say we could just skip it all together. 

I am wearing... yoga pants and top, fleece jacket and tennis shoes. I start each day in exercise clothes, with the intention that if I'm dressed for the activity, I have a better chance of actually doing it. Sometimes I end the day that way too.  

I'm listening to... the mechanical sounds of a house and nothing else, at the moment.  I love a quiet afternoon.  This morning I listened to a very interesting podcast on TED Radio Hour about the ways we communicate with each other. ( The episode was March 13th Spoken and Unspoken)  Along those same lines was this podcast about talking more and using technology less in our families.  You should listen just to hear the staggering statistics she offers. 

I'm thankful for... a house for Travis and Becca, a stitched up cut on a finger that wasn't as bad as it could have been, purple flowers, sunsets and frozen lemonade. ( Have you tried the frozen lemonade at Chick fil A?)  

Around the house... I've been decluttering bookshelves, cabinets and closets.  One of the Lenten practices that I enjoy is cleaning a small area each day.  Just one drawer or cabinet, maybe a bookshelf or closet.  I keep the action small, so it doesn't take too much time. While tidying up my physical surroundings, especially those hidden from view, I think about those hidden sins that might need to be cleaned up in my heart.  Spring cleaning the inner vessel, if you will.  I find that when I ask the Lord to help me recognize sin in my own life, he will show me where I need to start and what changes I need to make.  

From the kitchen... 

We had an Irish dinner for St. Patrick's Day.  Corned beef and cabbage with Irish Soda bread.  Key Lime Cupcakes for dessert. We had the missionaries over for dinner that evening and having been trained well by their mothers, they ate everything I offered them, but I think they liked those green cupcakes the best!

In the garden... I've cleaned out the weeds from three of my raised beds and checked on the garlic.  I have kale ready to plant, thanks to a friend who's been growing little plants from seed. It's time to till the garden for onion and potato planting.  I had hoped to get that done this weekend, but with the cold snap forecasted... I don't know if it will happen.  

I'm loving... date nights.  At the beginning of the year, I asked my husband if we could reinstate date nights.  After thirty some years of marriage, we had gotten out of the habit and found ourselves in a rut.  I was feeling bored and thought this would be good for our relationship.  And I was right on with this one!  Every week since January, we've had a date night (or sometimes day, depending on the activity).  We take turns choosing activities.  Last week, we went to Carl Sandburg and hiked around with the dogs.  It was a beautiful sunny day and it felt great to be outside.  Sometimes we go out to a restaurant or concert, or stay in and order pizza and watch a movie, play backgammon by the fire or have massage nights!  It doesn't matter so much what we do, but that we consistently choose to spend time together.  I really look forward to the weekends and our dates!

I'm reading... The Gift of the Atonement, The Cloister Walk, Little Britches, Under the Tuscan Sun and Getting Things Done.  I just started The Girl on a Train on Audible this morning while I was driving around town doing my errands.  It's  a pretty eclectic group of titles, but I like to have a book for every mood and time of the day.  Something spiritual for early morning, some kid lit for the treadmill, nonfiction for snippets of daytime reading and fiction for before bed.  Always fiction before bed.  I know it's a weird way to read, but it seems to work for me.

I'm creating... a baby blanket.  Still, working on the baby blanket.  With general conference coming up, I will listen to the talks and work those needles. I have until July to finish this project, but it would be so nice to finish it up next weekend.  I'm ready to move on to something else.

I'm learning... the Getting Things Done way of becoming organized.  It's supposed to revolutionize the way you approach projects and free your mind for creative pursuits.  I'm still reading and in the beginning phases of setting things up right now.  I'll let you know how it works out.

30 Day Challenge...  for March has been trying to get in 10,000 steps a day with my Fitbit.  Just having the goal, makes me more intentional about moving throughout the day.  I park in the last parking space, I make extra trips up and down the steps, I walk to the mailbox, instead of stopping the car on my way in and out.  I walk to the garden or chicken coop, rather than riding my Polaris.  It all adds up.

I'm pondering...  "Invest yourself deeply in what is instead of being so caught up in what you thought it should have been.  I think this is a recipe for a very present, very rich life."  Shauna Niequist
(From this excellent podcast.)  

I'm preparing... for the holy week of Easter, which will include; reading from the gospels, a trip to the temple, a passover meal, Good Friday dinner with friends, dying eggs, making hot cross buns, fresh flowers on Micah's grave, listening to sacred music and hiking to a mountain top to watch the sunrise on Easter morning.  I'll cook a wonderful meal and gather loved ones around my table to celebrate hope, peace and the glorious resurrection of Christ.  This is my favorite week of the year. 

That Eighties Wedding...

Thirty- two years ago today, I was preparing to walk down the aisle to be married to the man who had

become my best friend.  We were total opposites and crazy in love.  Young and broke and not sure 

where life would take us, and all we wanted was to spend every moment together.  

I mean, really, do you blame me?  He was a "hottie" and I was completely smitten!  Indulge me as I take a little walk down memory lane to April 25, 1981.  We were twenty years old.  Can you believe it?  So young!

We were married at the First Baptist Church in Jonesville, NC.  This is my mom helping me get ready.  Oh, how I miss my mom!

Mark and his dad

These lovely ladies were my attendants.

My sister, Sherri, was my maid of honor.

I was scared to death.  Happy, but scared.

The newly weds!

With my family  

and Mark's family

and with our grandparents.  This picture is especially precious to me as all of our grandparents 

have passed on since that time.

My mother catered my reception and made my cake.  She was so talented.  I should have learned how to decorate cakes from her when I had the opportunity.  It's a skill that would have come in handy for years to come.  No time.  I was too caught up in other things - hence the wedding pictures.  :)

We had a very simple and lovely reception.

And we're off.  Our life together begins.  I think Mark's expression says it all.

On our fourth anniversary, April 25, 1985, we took our first son Travis (who was six months old), 

to the Washington, DC temple and there we were sealed for time and all eternity.

What an amazing day.

The last thirty two years have been filled with joy and happiness, along with struggles and sorrow.

That's what life is all about and I wouldn't  have wanted to take this journey with anyone else. We were young and naive when we stepped out of that church so many years ago, but we've grown up together (well, we're trying) , raised an amazing family and now we find ourselves in another phase of life as we watch our children chart lives of their own.  It's taking some getting used to, this emptying nest, but   with God's grace we'll make it through this one too.  I enjoy having time to spend together and getting to know this man even better.  After thirty years, I'm discovering that I've just scratched the surface.  But that's okay.  Eternity is a long time.

*Edited from the archives.