Today is my thirty-fifth wedding anniversary and my mind is swirling with thoughts on how that is even possible. Thirty-five years is a really long time! First of all, I'm grateful, so very grateful, that I'm still walking through life with this good man. As a bride at twenty (barely twenty!), I fully expected to stay married forever. But, I had no idea what that would look like or how hard it would turn out to be. Having said that, don't think I don't love my husband, because I totally do. I just didn't know how much work was involved in marriage . Things change. People change. And if you aren't careful, distractions can pull a couple apart at the seams.
This morning I read these verses and immediately applied them to my marriage. The words in black are my own thoughts. The rest belong to Nephi.
"...ye have not come thus far (in your marriage) save it were
by the word of Christ with unshaken faith in him
(daily discipleship), relying wholly upon the merits
of him who is mighty to save. ( His grace)
Wherefore, ye must press forward (even when it's hard) with
a steadfastness in Christ (trust in His power to work in your marriage),
having a perfect brightness of hope (don't give up, don't walk away),
and a love of God and of all men (love like Christ loves-charity).
Wherefore if you shall press forward, feasting upon the word
of Christ, and endure (remain faithful) to the end, behold,
thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life (with your family)."
2 Nephi 31:19-20
I don't know how this all works, but I believe that it does. I believe that marriage is intended to be a part of the plan that teaches us to be like our Savior. It can be a sanctifying process, filled with joy and pain.
We started our life together, like most young couples, with high hopes and dreams and no money, but a belief that things were going to work out just fine. Oh, the naiveté of youth, and thank goodness for it! Through the years we've moved around the country, started a business, brought five children into the world, cried at the graveside of one, struggled with illness and addictions, weathered economic downturns, said goodbye to loved ones as they crossed over the veil and served countless hours in our church. But we've also knelt across an altar and made covenants with one another, held newborn babies, built a home and made happy memories there, watched our children grow into adults, welcomed a new daughter and grandbaby. We've supported one another the best we could, even held each other up when necessary. And through all of it, I've known that I could count on Mark and he knows he could count on me. This is what love looks like when it's given years to mature. It may not be all starry eyed looks, fluttering hearts and romantic dates of the early days (although that's really nice), it's more a deep, abiding love and appreciation for someone who knows you better than anyone else and still chooses you, with all your quirks and weaknesses. This love has walked through the highest highs and the lowest lows and though tattered and a bit beaten up, is still intact.
This is what I've learned about longevity in marriage and if you were to ask me (which I know you're not, but let me tell you anyway), I would say these things have helped us:
* Pray specifically for your marriage every day. Lately, I've been doing this when I make the bed in the morning.
*Pray together as husband and wife. We rarely go our separate ways in the morning without holding hands and having a prayer. It would be great if we would do this at night as well, but we struggle with it.
*Focus more on your spouse than on yourself. Self care is important. But being self absorbed is a different matter all together. The times when I've been most unhappy in my marriage are the times I've been focused on myself and what I think I need and want to make me happy.
*Carve out alone time. We constantly work on this and need to do better. When you've been married a long time, it's easy to get into patterns of complacency. This weekend was a reminder to us both that it's good to let things go sometimes and just be together.
* Guard your marriage with strict boundaries. It's important that you both agree on what is acceptable and unacceptable in friendships outside of marriage. If it makes your spouse uncomfortable, then respect those feelings and make changes.
(This picture tells the whole story of how Mark felt about our beekeeping adventure! He was supportive though.)
*Worship together. Renewing covenants in weekly Sacrament meeting and in the temple helps you recommit to one another on a regular basis and gives you power to resist temptation.
* Keep your eye on the big picture. Don't sweat the small stuff.
Which is a nice way of saying, be patient with one another. The stuff that seems so important usually isn't. Relationships matter most.
I've loved President Hinckley's counsel on marriage and have turned to it often when I need a reminder of the importance of the covenant I have made. Here are a few of my favorites:
" True love is not so much a matter of romance as it is
a matter of anxious concern for the well-being of one's companion."
"Generally speaking, the most miserable people I know
are those who are obsessed with themselves; the
happiest people I know are those who lose themselves
in the service of others... By and large, I have come
to see that if we complain about life, it is because we
are thinking only of ourselves."
"You have not failed until you quit trying."
"In all of living, have much fun and laughter.
Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured."
"The willingness to forgive is a sign of spiritual
and emotional maturity. It is one of the great virtues
to which we all should aspire. Imagine a world filled
with individuals willing both to apologize and to accept
an apology. Is there any problem that could not be solved
among people who possessed the humility and largeness
of spirit and soul to do either - or both- when needed?"
"Get on you knees and pray, then get on your feet and work."
"There are four pillars to a happy marriage: respect one
another as individuals; give soft answers; practice
financial honesty; conduct family prayer."
"It is not so much the major events as the small
day-to-day decisions that map the course of our
living... Our lives are, in reality, the sum total of our
seemingly unimportant decisions and our capacity
to live by those decisions."
"Faith is something greater than ourselves enabling
us to do what we have said we'll do, to press forward
when we are tired or hurt or afraid, to keep going when
the challenge seems overwhelming and the course
is entirely uncertain."
"The remedy for most marital stress is not divorce. It
is in repentance and forgiveness, in sincere expressions
of charity and service. It is not in separation. It is in
simple integrity that leads a man and a woman to square
up their shoulders and meet their obligations. It is found in
the Golden Rule, a time honored principle that should first
and foremost find expression in marriage."
And my all time favorite by Jenkin Lloyd Jones, as quoted by President Hinckley :
"Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going
to waste a lot of time running around shouting that
he has been robbed. The fact is that most putts don't drop,
most beef is tough, most children grow up to be just like
people, most successful marriages require a high degree
of mutual toleration, and most jobs are more often
dull than otherwise. Life is just like an old time rail
journey... delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders
and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful
vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to
thank the Lord for letting you have the ride."
I am thanking the Lord today for the ride. I recognize that it is by His grace that we have made it this far. It's not been me or Mark. We're not strong enough on our own to pull off this kind of a blessing.
I am thanking my husband for taking the ride with me and I am praying that we'll have many more years to enjoy each other and our life together.
Happy Anniversary, dear.
